It was a stressful day at work. They are playing the seniority game. I expected this. It happens every time I change my job. Due to my struggles with my depression, I was never able to stay in one place long. I frequently changed my work places and when I do, I have to start all over again, from the scratch. I was the newest worker so many times.
When I am ordered around, I remember one commandment given from Jesus. Serve one another. My mean spirit kicks in and I lose my calm and control, and in my mind I am going, “ok, the way you behave, I don’t think you will ever be served elsewhere. I will serve you.” I know that’s far, far from Jesus’s teaching. But I have bad moments. I am working on my patience, and piety.
I step out fast when it is time for my break. 4 hours of work, and I am already developing a major headache. I lay down on the bench focusing on my ujjayi breathing. When I open my eyes, the whole sky comes into my view.
I’ve seen the sky from this perspective many times. I am immediately taken back to the time when I was experiencing panic attacks. I have many episodes to choose from, but on this particular day, I am reliving one of those last episodes I had in Hawaii. I feel the attack coming on, and unfortunately I am at work. I am running out the door, desperately seeking the fresh air. I need oxygen, badly. My chest is tightening fast, I feel the acute pain like I am about to have a heart attack. I collapse on the ground, my arms and legs stretching out like Leonardo’s vitruvian Man. Streams of tears flood my face wetting the ground I’m on. Eventually, if I am lucky, someone with wisdom will run to me with a brown bag.
It only lasts a few minutes, never more than 5 minutes. I am sure there’s a lot going on in my body, but really it’s quite simple. I hyperventilate, and start to sense my fingers going numb, and if I go too far, my mind will fade out. I see white every where. Just like the white sky I am looking at on this day.
There’s white clouds every where in the sky. It’s a yucky day, as most customers complained when we talked about the weather. It poured really hard a couple of days ago, which I greatly enjoyed and gave thanks to God. But ever since then, it’s been cloudy, and today the clouds built up for the last two days reached the peak. It’s white, completely white. I see white every where, but not because of another panic attack.
I feel the drops of tears fallings from both corners of my eyes. I cannot locate the exact source of these tears. It’s a very complicated mixture. It is a little bit of sadness(for having panic attacks), a little bit of longing(for Hawaii), a little bit of hope(for not having panic attacks any more since May), and a little bit of hurt(inflicted by my co-workers), and a lot of love. Love for all the pain and sufferings, love for my co-workers no matter what, love for my job, love for my ex-husband, love for my life, but most of all, love for God.
I remember going to a play in Korea when I was a teenager. It was a high school play and some of my friends were in it so I went for support. I don’t remember what the play was about exactly, but I remember one set. It was a narration of a girl-probably playing the main role- talking about the day she was being raped. “I was in so much fear and I don’t remember much of that event other than the fear I was feeling. I only remember seeing the sky. I could see the sky from the ground I was laying on while I was being raped. So I think about that day whenever I see the sky.”
Is this how she felt? Here I lay, looking up at the sky, reminiscing my panic attack episode, asking, could this be what she meant in her narration? How horrible to have to be reminded of the day you were raped every time you look at the sky. I feel so much love sprouting in me for those who have been violated in that way. I feel their pain right now laying on the bench, letting the sky into my view- though my pain is so minor compared to theirs.
I so long for the day when the King of glory comes down on the clouds from the sky. That ought to change the impression the sky has left us with. And our world will never be the same. It will be a whole new world, a world where the sky will shine its goodness in full glory. It will be a world where the sky is purely what it’s meant to be, just the way God created, and all other creatures, including us human beings.
I long for that day. So please hurry back, Jesus.
One final prayer, and I was back to my strong self. My break was up and it was time to go back in for more service.