I smell fish. I wake up and toss around, wondering if my sense of smell went awry because I keep smelling fish. It’s only 2 o’clock in the morning. Too early to get up, even though I did go to bed quite early last night. I know fish was not on the menu for dinner. We actually skipped dinner, all adults except the kids. I got my sister into my skipping dinner ritual, and now my brother-in-law is being sucked into that, too. I fed the kids some chicken nuggets and potato fries while my sister and her husband were out. That was the last presence of the meal we had in this household. So where did that smell of fish come from? I have no idea.
I am now pretty convinced that once I leave the bedroom, I will find an early fishy breakfast table prepared just for me.
“Then the disciple Jesus loved said to Peter, “It’s the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his tunic (for he had stripped for work), jumped into the water, and headed to shore. The others stayed with the boat and pulled the loaded net to the shore, for they were only about a hundred yards from shore. When they got there, they found breakfast waiting for them—fish cooking over a charcoal fire, and some bread.(John 21:7-9)”
Now I am ready to witness that same miracle myself. That’s the kind of faith I have. “It’s the Lord!” I shout in my heart, with great joy. I get right up and open the bedroom door. I have stacks of reading materials for my morning reading in one hand. I walk all the way to the kitchen table, but it’s empty. No fish there. The smell of fish is gone by now too. Oh, well. At least I believed. It can’t hurt to believe. I talk to myself as I shrug my shoulders. I never cease to amaze myself. I think the Lord adores me when I display this level of faith. Oh, I don’t need to touch your scars, Jesus. All I need is the smell of fish that I just created with the help of my ridiculously absurd brain chemistry. I fool myself into the manifestation of Your presence and I am happy to be fooled this way. I’m such a Lovefool.
“Love me, love me. Say that you love me. Fool me, fool me. Go on and fool me. Love me, love me. Pretend that you love me. Leave me, leave me. Just say that you need me.”
Now that song is hunting me down and I start my Lectio Divina singing it. I sit down with a toast and a cup of coffee for my super early breakfast. No fish, but that’s ok. I don’t have the appetite for fish at this hour anyways. I mean, I would eat anything that He prepares for me at any time of the day, but I don’t need the food in my mouth to believe Him. I don’t need to touch Him to believe Him. I don’t need to see Him to believe Him.
I know He’s there.
I know, because, by His pure grace, I was given a gift of faith, the best gift I ever received.
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Yesterday was St Thomas’s day in the Orthodox Church, as you know. How appropriate for this lovely post.
I was reminded of your recent post when I was writing this, too! I had a chance to attend the orthodoxy service when I was in Hawaii. It was a small gathering up in the mountain- it was a beautiful ritual!
“I fool myself into the manifestation of Your presence and I am happy to be fooled this way. I’m such a Lovefool.” My spiritual director says that we must all be fools for Christ.