Last Sunday’s Gospel really spoke to me.
‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another is guilty of adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another she is guilty of adultery too.’
That means I would never get to marry ever again. But that bible verse didn’t change any of my plans. I had no plan to marry another man anyways. I still love my ex-husband. I will alway love him. I know if not here on earth, we will find each other in heaven. I know I have met my soul mate, the one that God intended for me, and even though we have messed it up, our one of a kind relationship is still valid in my heart.
But I don’t expect him to change his mind and ask me to marry him again. That would just be a story book ending. I did leave him with quite some impression when I said “Build me a temple.” during my manic stage. I also laid out the whole cosmic scheme of how and why we met each other to help each other’s growth. I told him that we have reached our full capacity. I said, “we have done a great job. We did everything right. Now you get an A+++” I spoke out so many things, so many blasphemies, and I can’t even remember what I all said. I only remember because I have put down everything in writing(which later I have destroyed when I came back to my senses months later.) I was writing like a manic. I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t sleep, I would stay up all night writing nonsense. I had one mad mind. So we had one mad divorce. I was freeing him from myself, and I was forcing him to free me from himself. I told him we were blocking each other’s path and we are heading to the death of all.
But all things put aside, I think it was my “build me a temple” talk that really freaked him out. I remember out talk, vaguely, when he was telling me about the movie “Beautiful Mind” He said those people can lead a successful like with the help of medicine and family. I looked at him with such abhor. I thought, then, everyone was trying to kill me or drug me. I thought a great evil spirit was upon them all, conspiring to destroy me, because I was the chosen one by God. These thought patterns are quite common among the bipolar patients, I read somewhere. They have what could be called Messiah Complex, or in case of a woman, she might think that she will give birth to the Messiah. In my case, I thought my body and soul was chosen as a holy temple for God, and that I must guard myself from all influences with all my mighty power.
So you see why my ex-husband wouldn’t want to remarry.
But that Dan Gibson’s story keeps inspiring me to love. The fact that he was 59 years old when he ventured out into a whole new music, The Solitudes. And how solitary he must have felt then!
It’s never too late for anything. Never too late to find someone to share life with, never to late to find a fulfilling job, never too late to follow your heart. And never too late to meet God. We just got to do it while we are still alive. After that, there won’t be any chance at all.
So get fired up and love much. That’s what I am telling myself this morning.
“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”
― Jack Kerouac, On the Road