My Fatal Desire


Bob Marley knew about my deepest desire when he sang “Is This Love”.

“We’ll share the shelter–

We’ll share the same room”

Although our intensions are far from each other, and I am pretty sure Bob Marley had a way more carnal desire than mine, but the bottom line remains the same: We both long for the union.We want to share one space. We want to be together with THE one.

I always ask God to take me away where I can be alone with him when I pray. I have no idea where this desire comes from, but I can envision me alone with Jesus on a hill top, sitting together. It’s always around the sunset, and the breeze is cooling, I see us smiling and there is so much happiness there in that picture. A nice getaway with Jesus. A permanent vacation with Jesus. Escapism? No. It’s a heavenly longing. Death wish, maybe? Even if it is so, I will continue to harbor my fatal desire.

I found a delightful article in the Sunday New York Times. Daniel Brush is an artist whose art is seldom on sale “because he requires a personal connection and a sense that buyers will be sensitive caretakers of his art.” But that was not the part that delighted me. It was this next line.

“Sometimes months or even years will pass when he barely leaves his huge loft on West 24th Street in the Flatiron neighborhood, which is filled with the equipment (an 18th-century lathe, blowtorches, milling machines) he uses to make small but elaborately worked precious objects like “Wave” (1993-96)

He’s living my dream (I mean the barely leaving his loft part. I don’t really care about hugeness of the loft or filling the space with equipment). Mr. Brush stays in his loft in New York, spinning his gold. He’s at home with his gold pieces(but that’s about to change. He has an exhibition opening tomorrow).

I have been praying for years now asking God to take me away where I can be hidden in Him. Hide me, I beg him. Build me a little loft, I request. Even better, an artist’s barn, please. That’s a tiny request considering that I once asked my ex-husband to “build me a temple” in my manic stage. I’ve come a along, long way.

Escapism? Maybe. A sign of depression? I do have that history. But it’s totally harmless, and I pose no threat to the economy and the world peace. I only ask for a shelter. Only a room to share with Jesus. I only want to eat, pray, and love. I think that’s a healthy goal. Well, almost. But I am getting there.

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