I probably wrote at least 5 books in my head yesterday. First one was about a girl buying an old tour van going on a journey without any destination in mind. Second was about me moving to Wilbur, OR for a year to live in the woods. The rest, I don’t even remember. I think one of them was something about a woman running a yoga/coffee/books lounge. I was plotting all day, daydreaming with no results. But I made the day through in perfectly happy mood thanks to all my happy ideas.
There is a story of a Korean writer who is now famous that I find encouraging. I read somewhere that before her first major breakthrough, she quit her office job in order to write full-time. She stayed with her sister’s family for a year while she was writing. I think I was in my early 20’s when I first read that about her. That’s all I know about that author. I have not read any of her works. But her life keeps inspiring me. It’s like I know all I need to know about her.
So I often think about her, not because I want to publish a popular book but because I am staying with my sister at the moment for… who knows how long. I keep looking for a breakthrough, but not by realizing my grand dream of becoming a great writer. I think I have come to accept the reality. If I continue to live off of that dream, I just might end up living with my sister and her family till my dying day. I will outlive both my sister and her husband since I am much younger than them, and then, where would I go? That’s when I think about mom and dad’s house in Tennessee and thank God that the house is paid off. And by the way, why wouldn’t the monastery want me? And where’s my ex-husband when I am most in need? So my search for a refuge knows no boundary and my pathetic thoughts keep flying higher and higher… until they reach the heaven.
I know God hears me. I know He is preparing an answer. I know He answers by not answering sometimes. Sometimes you just have to keep the faith and be patient. Like right now.
It’s like yesterday. I got a call from a regular customer, who adopted Korean orphans. They are grown ups now, about my age. We connected on that level by sharing stories of his Korean children and my Korean upbringing. Then we found out that we go to the same Catholic Church. I thought God finally answered my prayer and sent me a really good spiritual director who could guide me in these times of loss and confusion. He is a business consultant by profession, and a spiritual counselor by passion. So when he handed me his business card, and told me I can call him anytime if I need to talk about anything, I thanked him and called a few days later. Then he called back yesterday, and we made a plan to meet up at the Coffee shop where I work. Of course, I was going to tell him about my Yoga/coffee/books Lounge business plan. So that I can start the business in order to WRITE about it. That’s how I ended up in the coffee business to begin with. I was writing a story about a girl running a coffee shop on a town square and after about 50 pages in, I was struck with a writer’s block(But looking back now, that was the start of my major depressive episode that was to last for years.) So I found a job as a barista at a small coffee shop on the town square, and seven and a half years later, I am still working at a coffee shop. That book I was working on? Still unfinished. I think I have the manuscript somewhere in Tennessee in one of the few boxes of my remains.
I was all excited about talking to my new trusted friend who happens to be a business consultant. Surely he can give me some direction on how to start my own business. But couple of hours later, I got a call from my manager. She wanted me to work for a few hours tomorrow to fill in for someone. When she needs someone on emergency like that, I want to be her firefighter. I know how it feels when you are left with one less worker during the busiest hours from my managing days. So moved by the momentary compassion, I said, yes, I will cover those hours. No worries. She called me her superhero. Well, I was trying to be her firefighter but if she wants to call me that, fine, then!
I guess my grand scheme of opening up my own business could wait. I know it needs to wait, to be put on hold for now, or forever, because I get the message. God is telling me, no, that’s not it. He answered, by not answering. He governs my world by the law of elimination. You know how sometimes you feel like you are left with no options? You just feel so stuck and cornered with nowhere to flee? But that’s a good place to be. That’s when the breakthrough happens. Suddenly the hands of God appear and whisk you off to the place designated just for you. A personalized place where God prepared to fit you perfectly. Hawaii was that answer. So I know that wonderful magic will occur once again.
Anyways, I have a business I am involved already. Although it is not my business, her business is mine because I care about her. She is my neighbor before she is my boss. So for now, I am her superhero. And by this, I am one more step closer to become God’s superhero.