Counselors eager to help me. Mental clinic with good Christian intention to help those afflicted people like me is near by. I know I can ask for help. If I wanted more therapy, I could get some easily. But maybe, it’s time to put a stop to that.
There comes a time in every patient’s life when the decision has to be made whether to continue the therapy or not. Pray that you don’t have to make the decision yourself. Pray that nobody will support you if you refuse the treatment when you clearly need it. I sure pray that I am not making this decision alone. I know that God won’t support my idea if I refuse what I clearly need.
In the fall, when the leaves are falling, I always think about the story of Johnsy who believes she will die when the last leaf falls. Foolish belief you may say, but I know what goes on her mind. When you are dying, you want to honor your remaining time with some special meaning. Like, you wish the last leaf won’t fall, because the whole universe doesn’t want you to die. Maybe someone out there wants you to carry on. Maybe some existence is looking after you by defying the law of nature. Maybe that last leaf won’t fall for you.
The trees lose their color after every rain. Some are already almost bare naked. Bare naked they stand, signaling the approaching winter. The last leaf still remains on every tree in the neighborhood, but I am already wondering, if I will make it through the fall. I know as long as I can wait out this fall, I won’t fall down into my depressive episode. I would defy my decade old pattern of my depression for the first time.
I am my own artist, drawing the last leaf.
I fall so easily, it’s so east for me to come crashing down to the ground, but no,
the rain won’t hurt me.
The wind may blow but I will survive.
I am my own therapist, offering the strategies.
They are life giving.
I almost gave my life to learn these strategies.
No evil can harm me.
Temptations may come but I will stay strong.
Before I know it,
Winter will be here.
The season when it all got started,
everything looked brighter.