Beautiful disaster


Depression scares a lot of people. I can easily keep guys at bay by telling them that I have bipolar. Oh, you don’t want to be involved with me. I have bipolar. I have no problem saying that. It’s my way of saying, ‘leave me alone.’, very politely.

It scares my ex-husband. When we talked one final time about our chance of reconciliation, he said, with much difficulty, that he doesn’t know how he would react if my depression comes back. So I was finally able to let that option go, and took another big leap of faith in becoming a nun. I visited the community of a monastery, but soon I was rejected even there, due to my depression history. So you see, depression keeps things away from me, and me away from things.

Demi Moore and Bruce Willis knew things were over between them when there was a major earthquake and did not run to each other’s rescue. Instead, they just made simple phone calls and that was it. I remember reading that story once years back. Probably not long after they got divorced in 2000. Since then, Demi Moore has been with her new man, Kutcher and now going through another divorce with him, and Willis has moved on with a model.

The first thing I thought about when I read the news about Hurricane Sandy, scheduled to arrive next week was that story. I thought about how the earthquake wasn’t able to stir up the matrimonial love between Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. I guess you can’t manufacture what is not there. I guess they already had experienced their own earthquake, and probably weren’t really into going through another one together.

So I understand why my ex wouldn’t want to go though another perfect storm together.

And I understand why the monastery wouldn’t want to incorporate hurricane into their quiet life.

I am a hurricane. Seriously, I am. That’s my nickname.

I don’t know how I get that nickname at every store I work at. They say I leave a big trace everywhere I go. There’s milk pitchers all over the bar, and napkins left on the counter, drops of milk, and syrups on the surface, and at times, I fall down myself or drop something and scream. I know I am a big mess, but I’m trying to be more careful. Actually, I have gotten a lot better. Luckily, there is another one even messier than me whom they call “Tornado”. So I am saved.

Just wait to see what kind of mess I am capable of making in real life. You haven’t seen nothing yet.

I always excelled at keeping God busy cleaning up after my mess. He fixed the unfixable, and cured the incurable. He calmed the big storm. This big hurricane. I was a frankenstorm(as they call the approaching hurricane Sandy). If Victor Frankenstein was my creator, I would be the “Adam of his labours.” But, really, I am just naturally disastrous. I have no need for Victor Frankentein.

So I understand that my ex doesn’t want me back. I gave him a lucky break years ago, and again, I am going to give him a lucky break now.

Whether we like it or not, here comes another perfect storm. He will feel the impact where he lives on Long Island. I am sure there will be a lot of rain where I live as well. I know after we go through this storm away from each other, we will be even further away from each other. Maybe this will really end things between us. Maybe I will come to the final realization that things are indeed over between us and finally move on with my life.

Maybe I am done cleaning up.

Maybe I can now go on and make more mess.

More beautiful disaster.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Nicholas says:

    Lovely post.

  2. lilyboat, I’m not sure why but I feel compelled to share with you the Angel of God prayer. From some Catholic sources I’ve read, some of us have more than one. You probably do, my sweet friend ❤
    Angel of God, my guardian dear
    To whom God's love commits me here
    Ever this day be at my side
    To light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen.

    1. lilyboat says:

      what a beautiful prayer. Thank you for sharing! I am writing it down in my daily prayer book. thank you!

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