We went to look at a townhouse nearby out for rent. It’s a three story house, and I can see the store I work at from living room! But we voted against it, as it has many steps to climb and some dangerous features. That house reminded me of the tennessee house. The beautiful hardwood floor there, and big rooms. I loved how the morning light came into the master bedroom, and when the evening came, sunset was beautiful looking out from my writing room. That was the nicest house I’ve ever lived in, but those were also the darkest times of my life, too. I suffered so much in that house, endured so much loneliness and isolation. It was a big jail, though I did have some good times there too. Especially with my dog, and my ex when I was not sick from depressive episodes.
These days, I am extremely happy. I feel no burden, no obligation, no attachment, but just pure love for God. Even though the nun dream is discouraged, my love for God is deeper and mature than ever. My sense of complete dependance on him is growing for better or worse-It seems the more I lose, the more of Him I gain-, and at the same time, I am able to keep my independence from people. I am depending on my sister with my place to live, of course, but it’s really a fair deal. She and I make a great companion. We strengthen each other and help each other through hard times. Like right now: Me- after losing everything once again, and trying to get back on my feet from the ground. My sister- with three little kids being so hand full and overwhelming her every day. So it’s good that we are going through this time together. I think of this a temporary match made in heaven.
In the movie Pride and Prejudice, there is a scene in the movie where Elizabeth is sitting on a swing, moving in circles as the ropes get untangled. The camera captures the scenes around her from the perspective of Elizabeth. The cows pass by, some people walk by, then it’s just the empty barn, and the weather gets colder(time passing by)…
I feel like I am her. Sitting on a swing, riding in circles as the ropes get untangled. Waiting for time to pass by, watching the events unfolding.
God knows how hard it is for me to sit still. I am trying very hard to not get myself into any action like I did so many times before. I guess while waiting, I could try to get myself back into the skinny jeans I used to wear in my mid 20’s but that’s about as close as I will get into anything. This is no action time. This is time to wait. I am in a waiting room.
I am discovering that there is so much beauty in waiting. Even waiting is full of love. Waiting in love, love in waiting, if you have love, you can do anything with so much beauty. Even sitting and waiting like a good girl trying to behave as best as she could. God has tamed me, and I am tamed by God. I hear Him saying ‘Sit.’ very gently. I obey, sitting here with my dark eyes sparkling with such anticipation about what’s to come. Until my biscuit appears, and I hear “Good girl!” from my God, I sit here completely surrendered, enjoying every moment passing by in the goodness of His love.