“A good poet is someone who manages, in a lifetime of standing out in thunderstorms, to be struck by lightening five or six times.”
The word of wisdom from Randall Jarrell. But I thought, a good human being is someone who manages, in a lifetime of standing out in thunderstorms, to be struck by lightening five or six times.”
“The metaphor is a memorable inversion, for of course, the lightening is internal, as are the storms. What we really get is the image of the unconscious as a thermal system that periodically builds up a massive energy charge that it then releases.” Seven Birkerts explains the aphorism, in his book “Readings”. I had a moment of periodic massive energy built up and before it quickly released.
In intense situations, my massive energy bomb will explode in the form of an anxiety attack or even a panic attack. But that’s only when the situation is beyond tolerable, or I am deep in the depressive episode. When you walk into a space, into a social environment, there is always a certain set of mood. Thanks to my HSP quality, I can quickly sense the emotions in the space when I go into work. It normally has to do with who is working, how the management is going. When I walked into the store yesterday, I thought, uh-oh, I want to take cover and flee. There is an atomic bomb about to explode. But of course, I would do no such thing. I am a responsible person.
I don’t know how the intense tension such as this gets started, but it’s most likely a little bit of misunderstanding or mistreatment piled up. The anger builds up overtime, without having the chance for a healthy release. Add a 19 year old rebel into the situation, then you have a big problem. He’s the one that walked out on work the other day because he was angry at the supervisor.
Already gone through the big storm for so long, I am disarmed and dismantled. I don’t know if I can withstand another lightening at this point, but ready or not, here it comes. He’s firing his built-up anger at everyone, even at me, though it was reduced to a milder degree because of his crush on me. He claims that I am his girl, and when I tell him that I am quite older than I look, he says he likes older women. Clearly, he has no respect for an older lady on this day. I am pushed, being bossed around, and though I usually let him rule my world because there is not much for him to rule in me, on this day, I’ve had it. I am struck by lightening and I am discharged. It’s me walking out this day. I walked out the door, not to quit my job, but to try to catch some fresh breath. I wished I had kava extract today to help me through but I don’t. I walked back in a minute or two later, and when I had a chance I had a rational talk with the kid. He’s all “Oh, I’m sorry! I was just joking, don’t hate me~” Being all lovey dovey. I know manipulation is far from his mind. I know him better. So with his big smile, and a big hug, he disarmed me, and we are back to friends. We were on good terms like before, but he stayed mad at everyone else.
If you were to blame someone, it won’t be this rebel boy. The problem runs much deeper than that. It’s really the world economy. It’s the original sin. It’s our own freewill, and it’s the sly snake, satan. Let’s not kill the scapegoat. So in my effort to become a good human, I withstood the lightening. I made peace with the situation, and I let the smile win over anger and frustration.
When the world gives you a lightening, make peace. I don’t have to be a good poet, but I shall always try to be a good human being. I am here to be a good human, not a good poet.