Life on the Edge


There is a scene in the movie “Dying Young(starring Campbell Scott & Julia Roberts)” where Victor listens to the quiet music through his oversized headphone during his chemo therapy. The poisonous chemical goes into his system through the blood vessel, and he closes his eyes and drifts off into the world of numbness where the poison cannot hurt him. Mind levitation. I always think about that scene when I try to land my levitating mind. On mornings like today when my brain is highly wired up, I need some quiet music to keep me here, keep me grounded, and keep me anchored.

Somedays, if it gets too much, I have to cover a blanket over my head and rock my body. If I cover my ears, too, with a noise canceling headset, I am even more protected. I think Victor would really wish he had my mind right now. Flying here and there, as it wills, it completely dominates my entire being. It’s being tossed around in the air like a tail of a wild horse, the first thing Victor would do if we trade places is to take his headset off so that he can follow this mind of his, traveling at maddening speed. The serene, quiet music would hurt him greatly.

J at work is as high as ever. “I had too much caffeine!” He jokes to a customer as he dances his way to the register to ring the order. “Haha..” The customer laughs without any other comments. I, however, behind the register, replied, “Oh, but you’re always like that. Caffeine has no effect on you! Stop blaming the caffeine!” We laugh together, J and I, and the customer follows without even knowing why. The reason this is funny to the two of us is because we both understand the nature of our hyperactivity: Bipolar. I recognized the bipolar trait in him on the first day we met. He let me in on his condition not long after I started working there. I don’t remember what brought up that conversation. But it was so casual, the way he said it, and I jumped in excitement as if I have just met my long lost twin brother.

They would have loved this restless self of me if I were working today. I was supposed to, but somebody covered my shift so I am home today, unable to contain myself on this lazy saturday. So here I am listening to Love Montage covered in a soft flannel blanket from head to toe. It’s cold and windy today, some snow might be expected later on, if some moisture is added to this perfect condition. I see the fallen leaves flying about on the street just right out the window. I think I am looking at the montage made with the fragments of my mind. Nature has a way with expressing your mind. Words cannot reach that realm sometimes. Or the brain MRIs.

But what difference does it make? Not all mysteries need to be revealed and explained. I can handle this mystery. I can handle this poison, this thorn in my brain. What almost kills me saves me.

I never lived so fully as I did when I almost died.

I was never so sane as I was when I was almost insane.

Welcome to the life on the edgy.

Now you see why I am rocking my body.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. You are brave too! This was beautiful and touching 😉

    1. lilyboat says:

      Hi! Good to see you here again! Always waiting for more post of yours!

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