Here to Love

Once in the bible meeting at the Korean church, we were discussing the gifts of the Holy Spirit. The pastor asked us which gift we would like to choose if we were to choose only one, and of course, most of us answered, Love. I did. It seems that I have been given that gift.

I’m in love with the invisible one. I want to leave my body and become spiritual wholly.

I sound mentally ill, you might say.

But I have this burning love in my soul and it’s consuming my body and mind. My soul is stuck somewhere between the two worlds.

I’ve tried centering prayer. It works, but ultimately, it feels like cognitive behavioral therapy.

Daydreaming is more my style but it has a side effect of heightening my unfulfilled desire.

I don’t think I am supposed to feel this degree of love. It’s out of this world kind. This is one fiery ball of energy.

This is one big fire ball.

This is bigger than the winning Powerball.

Evelyn Underhill has said about John’s spirituality- it is the power through which we come to grasp ultimate realities: “His was that piercing vision which discovered that the Spirit of Love is one with the Spirit of Truth, and that only those who love will ever understand. It was this which definitely established the essentially mystic character of Christian faith.”

“The more a man loves, the more deeply does he penetrate into God.”, the words of Clement of Alexandria.

Helen Keller said it is terrible to be born blind, but it is worse to have eyes and not see. I believe that she meant something different when she said this, but I can relate to what she said in my own way.  It is terrible to have eyes and not see. It is terrible to have eyes that cannot see.

Ah, those eyes of your soul.

Eyes of your heart.

Yes, there are those.

But I literally want to see Jesus. With my own eyes.

I walked into work at 5:30 am, too early to work. To motivate myself, I was fixing my own coffee with an extra shot of espresso on this particular day. A was looking at the daily roster, and upon seeing today’s date, she threw a question that prompted in her mind.

“So do you think the world will really end on December 21st?”

“I wish.”

That was my immediate answer.

“Really? Are you serious?”

‘Oh, yes, I pray for it every day.’ I would have added that, too, but she quickly warned me. “Don’t say that. You will upset D.” D was already giving me an evil look.

I have two favorite images of Jesus.

1.

d2b224f4aed1afd981f8f43a0f968cf2

We use this image at the Eucharistic adoration at my Catholic church. As a matter of fact, I had another honor of staring at this divine image for an hour in the beautiful chapel today. After being up since 3:30 am, and then working for six hours from 5:30, I was as tired & sleepy as one would feel at midnight-It was MY midnight- but I went anyways, and sure enough, I dozed the whole time surrounded by the warmth of the divine energy filled in the chapel. I felt like laying down to take a nap in there, but my reason got the better of me so I walked out, reluctantly.

2.

Akiane, Prince of Peace
Akiane, Prince of Peace

I love this painting of Jesus so much. I love the name, too. Prince of Peace. It’s my favorite honorable title of Jesus. The sound of it feels so beautiful on the lips.

I first found out about this painting from the book “Heaven is Real”. The moment I laid my eyes on this Face, my heart started pumping blood throughout every possible vessel in my body. It was so sensational! Everything in me came alive! Then out of nowhere, I heard this Voice, clearly telling me, “You so longed to see my Face, so I had her draw this painting for you.”

And, yes, I was at the height of another one of those hypomanic stages. But, regardless, I love this image with all my pure desires and most passionate energy despite being mentally ill and all.

This Love prolongs my single status. I do not desire to be in a relationship with the special someone. I already have my ultimate special one.

This Love keeps me high, even when I am not hypomanic.

This Love lifted me from all those foggy bottoms of depression.

This Love sustains me, and without this Love, I cannot go on, even a single day, a single hour. It’s so vital to my well-being.

This Love is the whole package.

This Love is all I ever need.

This Love is what I am created for.

To be loved and to love back.

I am here to love.

This Love is all I care to do.

 

“Our only business is to love and

delight ourselves in God.”

 – Brother Lawrence

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