Something’s pulling me back to loneliness…
“You can hold my hand if you want.”, he told me as we were climbing up the long stair in the subway station, somewhere in Seoul.
And I did reach out my hand fast and held his. I held onto his hand- the helping hand.
He was such a solitary man. He had business associates but not really any friends. He did have a couple of close friends from his high school and university days, but that was about it. Knowing nothing about that solitary fact about him, I took him to meet all my friends. He always liked to pay the bill, because we were all college kids, and he, a successful businessman at the young age of 27. Soon after we met, he turned 28. I was only 19.
I was so young, but he was, too. In his heart was a grieving young boy still struggling with loneliness his parents’ divorce left him with. He was only seven, when his dad left the family.
And I– I was a fearful child at heart, so desperate to be loved, so desperate to feel peace, and so desperate to have hope about the big problematic event everyone called ‘life’. He offered all those three that my hollow heart desired. He seems so in control of everything, and I felt so safe– for the first time in my life.
We married two years later. We were married for 8 years until I left him.
We have good stories. Stories we lived in our attempts to find love, peace, and hope. I wish I did not grow to see myself as such a burden on him. I think we needed each other’s hands to navigate through the troubled waters. But I saw something else.
“You can hold my hand.”
He once offered so freely. And I could not hold that hand any longer. I was brining him down with me, or he was drowning me with him. We were drowning together in the sea of loneliness. I could not hold that hand any longer. So I decided to let it go, to save us both, or one of us, I thought.
It hurt too much to stay together. It hurt too much to separate from each other. Stuck in between the two extremes, I–I chose to drown myself, alone. And let the tide decide my fate.
Five years ago, I had my full-blown mania. Today, I am still alive, living this full-blown life. And he is too. We are still two lonely beings, but we are holding the Hand of the most trustworthy one.
I still get pulled by the loneliness back to the dark places. There’s something always pulling me back to loneliness. My ex-husband. My past marriage. My past memories. Korea. Sunset…
But every time, a Hand pulls me out of the deep void, the dark black hole. A helping Hand is always by my side. And in that Hand, I found all three: Love. Peace. Hope. And so much more. I have complete faith in that Hand. The Hand that clutches mine without asking, without offering formally. It’s the Hand that dominates me. I am so taken by that Hand, and I let Him lead me on. I need His leadership. I need His domineering. I need His control.
And I won’t let go of this Hand that holds me.
“I love You, Lord Jesus Christ.
Thank you for keeping my hand
tightly held in Yours. Amen”