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I am at the church praying in the darkness. It’s 6 in the morning. Worship music plays gently, but I am in my own world. A world of fear.
Why do I fear so much? And what do I fear?
I know the answer. It’s an abstract fear. It’s the sort that I do naturally. The fear exists only in my head. I fear my future, one that does not even exist yet.
I feared death when I was young. I feared separation. I feared darkness. I feared certain people in my life. I feared going to school. I feared getting a job. I feared moving to a new country. I feared leaving my country. I feared not ever getting a job. I feared my memories. I feared the day’s tasks at hand. I feared not knowing what is going to happen in the future. I feared yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Simply put, I lived in constant fear.
So this morning, I am sitting in the church, praying and meditating on my fear factor. I know the answer why, but even that answer wasn’t enough. What is wrong with my fear? And I must borrow what G. K. Chesterton has said. The answer is: Me.
I am sitting in the dark church, trying to remember one person, not two or three, but just one person around whom I felt safe when I was growing up. I cannot come up with a single name. Then to my surprise, a person pops up in my head, and it is me. This comes like a big surprise(a very good sign!). By the grace of God, I am already kneeling on the floor. Otherwise, I think I would have thrown myself off of the chair alarmed by my own reaction to my own thought. I have a completely different idea about myself now. I know I am the last person I should run to. I am the most dangerous person to myself that I know.
But growing up, I trusted myself. I had no one to turn to, but myself. In those days, I learned to fear everything except myself. So I somehow learned to depend on myself (for my emotional care) and would grow to learn that I was not the safest person to rely on after all. I failed me. And that’s when I found Jesus. He saved me. And He is saving me every day.
So what do I have to fear? I really have no reason to fear.
But I still fear. I have this ‘alien fear’ that still affects me.
This day as I am praying, Jesus shows me my biggest problem. My biggest downfall is that I still doubt. I am still affected by this dark and strong underlying current that governed me throughout my pre-Christian life. I doubt, because, I never developed a firm belief system. I had no safe ground other than myself when I was young. So when I lost myself, I flew straight onto the hard rock of Jesus, the only one that remained. I had a very lovely concussion.
Yet, I continue to apply that same old doubt system to my Savior Jesus Christ. And that’s what Jesus showed me. He showed me why I am the way I am, and His teaching did not end there. He suddenly turned into a DJ and played this music through the church speaker. It was singing “There is no one else like You, There is no one else like You.”
And I had to agree. There is no one else like Him. And in Him, I know I can put my final trust, and finally rest in faith. Hope seeks, Faith rests, and in between Love persists. I once loved myself so much that I was able to hate myself enough to want to kill myself. While my sick love drove me to madness, I was, at the same time, clinging to the faceless Hope and Faith, and I was able to survive, only by His persistent Love that never failed. He protected me even when I did not know Him. So how much more would He care for me now?
So now, if I am going to remember anything with my never failing memory, I am going to remember what He did to His people back in the old, old days rather than my childhood. Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses.. The list goes on and on. They all have one thing in common. They believed in the Lord. That’s the new app I am downloading onto my device now, this new operating system called “The Faith”.
“Remember the former things of old: for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me.”
– Isaiah 46:9
“I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live even after dying. Everyone who lives in me and believes in me will never ever die. Do you believe this, Martha?”
– John 11:25-26
You deserve the glory
And the honor
Lord, we lift our hands in worship
As we lift your Holy name
For You are great
You do miracles so great
There is no one else like You
There is no one else like You
– Terry MacAlmon