* * *
After taking almost two weeks off to help my parents move from one State to another, I finally went back to my morning job at the cafe. This signals the resume of my normal routine, what was an almost perfect balance that aided my recovery from my last depressive episode.
The most tragic part is this: I do not remember my old routine. I can backtrack my writings and journals and reestablish my old pattern that worked good. The simple, quiet life I have pursued mostly within the circle of my family has greatly improved my mental health and spiritual wellness. My short hours at work allowed me to go to the daily Mass occasionally aside from the sunday Mass, and the Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament on Thursdays was the direct vessel of the graces I have been given.
Those things I remember, the part of my life that closely centers around God. And that part shall never change. As a matter of fact, all my other aspects of life shall help me to strengthen my faith. Strangely, I do not remember all else.
I do remember the last two weeks of my life in the rural Tennessee. Those dead silent mornings still in the dark, the quiet new dawn I met out in the cold deck on my bare feet, leisure walks on the quiet country roads, driving while the radio played country music. Those God-filled moments, I remember. I don’t remember the bad ones that almost triggered my intense reactions in the form of panic attacks or anxiety attacks. I forgot it all.
You lose all the bad memories until the best memories remain and the best memories go last. You always save the best for last. All those bad memories, painful loss, and grieving confusions have been left behind and now I face a whole new chapter, with a blank canvas full of… no memories.
And this time, it will be a different picture. A different scenery. I don’t have a blueprint. I don’t have any plans. I only have faith. I only have God. This big craving for my God is all I have.
* * *
That I may crave only what is Yours.
That I may not pursue the worldly things, but only Your holy will.
That I may go to the ends of the world, till the end of the times to spread Your Good News.
That all may be saved to join You in Your Kingdom.
I pray to the Lord.
* * *
I heard the voice of Jesus say, “Come unto Me and rest;
Lay down, thou weary one, lay down Thy head upon My breast.”
I came to Jesus as I was, weary and worn and sad;
I found in Him a resting place, and He has made me glad.
I heard the voice of Jesus say, “Behold, I freely give
The living water; thirsty one, stoop down, and drink, and live.”
I came to Jesus, and I drank of that life giving stream;
My thirst was quenched, my soul revived, and now I live in Him.
I heard the voice of Jesus say, “I am this dark world’s Light;
Look unto Me, thy morn shall rise, and all thy day be bright.”
I looked to Jesus, and I found in Him my Star, my Sun;
And in that light of life I’ll walk, till traveling days are done.