The Lifeline

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Beautiful afternoon sunlight is unbearable. My mind still vividly remembers the mental torment that used to cause my body to shut down. All my senses gear up to create that illusional state of mind and the pain becomes especially alive under the bright afternoon sunlight like today.

It’s Hawaii in Maryland. I am reliving all those dark days and nights I spent inside my dark cave, my small studio trying to shun the bright light that tortured me so. I force myself to go out for a walk as I have done so many times in Hawaii in my effort to get better. But this time, I am not walking alone. My mom is next to me keeping me company. Our slow pace resembles the late sun sluggishly going down.

I know it’s here. Maybe it’s PMS induced. Maybe I have pushed myself a little over the edge lately. But I know it is here. The time to fight is here once again, and I call on Jesus a little louder than usual. But I also know that He already knows. He’s already here. As a matter of fact, he has always been here, whether my episodes were here to torment me or not. He was here before I even knew anything about Him.

The latest email from my ex-husband updates me on the new developments in his life. He is moving again to another state down south. Another new place, another new job, another new life. It is a good promotion, and he will be occupying the top position in the company. He is a hard worker, and I know he gave up  many things that meant a lot to him. He deserves another chance, especially after what he had gone through because of me.

I started composing a reply immediately after I finished reading his email. I felt many words pouring out of my heart. I tried to filter out my emotion as much as I could, but I stayed silent too long. I wasn’t even half way done with all that I had to say when I realized that all was futile. My tears kept flowing and the small knot in my heart was blossoming to become a giant flower as if it had been a bud ready to open in full bloom. Pop, went my heart, and the anguish, and remorse I felt from the explosion was a little more than I would have liked to feel.

There are million things I want to tell him. But I don’t know where to begin. Our love began out of nowhere, unplanned, like a surprise gift, and it started with such ease and the speed of light. And why is it so hard now, when I only wish to explain? Why is it so hard to begin? Perhaps, it is unnecessary. Perhaps, we both already know that no words are necessary despite all the confusions that we have left behind. Perhaps our love was stronger than our sudden separation, much stronger than our sudden beginning. Perhaps, we have met for a very good reason. Perhaps, one day, we will find the full meaning of our love. Of our lives.

There is not much to life. Respond to the alarm and wake up. Go to Mass. Pray. Drive safely back home. Read your favorite book or watch an uplifting movie. Take a slow walk in the sunlight. Breathe in some fresh air once in a while. Love your family and friends. Love your neighbors. Let them love you back. Go to work on time and do your best. Take a relaxing shower and humbly receive your well deserved reward- a good night of sleep. And pray again. Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with your God. 

But then— there is so much to life. The lifeline from Jesus is connected to all of us, interwoven with the lives of every human being. Not one soul is separate from the masterpiece of “Life in God”. Every time a life is lost, it is the death of a part of us. It hurts us. It affects us greatly. It grieves the kingdom of Heaven. Can you imagine that? That the entire heavens grieve by the loss of your life?

Life is a vibrant organism, always being recreated, the power of Love circulating within. Life thrives on love. Love feeds human souls. When you reject love, you reject life.

If there is one thing out of a million things that I need to tell him if the chance is given, it would be that I am sorry I did not get to say goodbye. I am sorry that I was too sick to give us a good closure. I want to tell him that I am so very sorry to force him to let me go, the sick, burdensome soul that I had become. I thought that was the best for both of us. I did not have more faith in us, and for that, I am very sorry.

But maybe I have told him already. I probably did. But I was too confused and destructive to remember all that I said because of my depression that crossed the safety line. But the thing is, I don’t have to say good bye. I know we will meet again, though in heaven it may be. There, we will embrace each other without any remorse. We never got to say good bye, but that’s ok. Maybe we were not meant to say it.

I don’t think we are ever meant to say goodbye.

So–

I continue this walk of life in the world under any circumstances. My mind may be full of darkness, but not my heart. My heart quickly remembers the way to rejoice at the thought of going to the Mass. A sudden flush of energy sweeps through my veins, and I am recharged. Love is running through my veins. I have enough power to carry on my day. Like one manna a day, God provides Life one day at a time so that we may fully cross over to reach the shore of Eternity.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. chynawithay says:

    Reblogged this on no such thing as normal and commented:
    It’s good that you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts so freely like that.

  2. I can feel the sadness and longing to find those elusive words for closure.. Sometimes relationships are so difficult to sort out..in your case your ex husband…with me it’s with my daughter. You can’t remember exactly what the circumstances or words said at the time of separation because of the depression. And I would have to say it is the same with me. I don’t know where the emotional separation took place….because I have only been free from the ‘darkness’ of depression for the past 3-4 years. But I think she is still stuck in her memories…

    Your resolve to go on and live each day to the fullest shows the strength you now have. And my thoughts are with you right now as some of the ‘hurt’ remains..Diane

    1. lilyboat says:

      Oh Diane, I hope you and your daughter find peace and love again between the two of you. Mother and daughter relationship is particularly challenging isn’t it? She will find her way back to you. I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for your comforting words, always.

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