The Lonely Cat
Once there was a lonely cat who had no friends. He cried and cried and was not happy. He was sad! But no friends, so he thought and thought to get new friends. But today he got newfriends! He was happy. The end.
I found this story my 6 year old nephew wrote when I was flipping through the small notebook to write down my sudden prayer welling up from my heart. I was sitting on the front porch, feeling melancholy afflicted by the late sunlight. What I was going to write was something like this:
I desire to renounce my will to do what You will.
I desire to give up myself that only You may live in me.
Only You do I desire to live.
Allow me to die in You.
But my prayer was long forgotten once I read what my nephew wrote. I laughed inthe beginning of my reading, but soon my smile turned into tears. I cried and cried. I was sad, like the lonely cat in the story.
I was sad because I identified myself with the lonely cat my nephew wrote about. I was sad because I was reminded of all the lonely cats that reached out to me that I have ignored, renounced, abandoned, and left behind because I was so stuck in my own loneliness.
I was sad because I finally saw how blind I was. I was too blind to see what I needed. When God sent me what He saw fit to heal my loneliness, I only rejected the gifts and blessings He has been sending my way to save me. I turned away from the help because I was too deep into my own loneliness. I was too blind to see the loneliness of others. I did not know that I could ease my pain by responding to their loneliness, and at the same time, I could ease theirs with mine.
I did not know that loneliness could be defeated by loneliness. Just as Jesus trampled death by death.
The root of my problem of loneliness started to heal the moment I met Jesus in 2008. For the last five years, I have received tremendous amount of healing that was happening almost like a daily miracle. I received every day the daily miracle of His healing. But that doesn’t mean that I am ok with being alone. As a matter of fact, the more healed I was, the more people I was able to allow into my life, into my heart. Today, I enjoy being around people.
Don’t get me wrong. I still seek the state of loneliness. I am still most comfortable, happy, and complete when I am alone. For I have learned through my long lonely journey that I am never alone, but alone with Jesus in the divine solitude.
But I like occasional outings with my friends. I don’t mind listening to her pain and complaints about her life. I don’t mind sharing my pain and sufferings with her.
I like my afternoons with my family. My nephew and nieces making loud noises, my mom and dad chatting in the living room, my sister complaining to her husband, and my brother-in-law silently shaking his head in disagreement. Life happens here. I am in the midst of all things living that are unfolding. This is life. This is community living. This is the life God has designed for me. Among the people, suffering and sharing the crisis of life and the joys of life. Down here, as it is above, life is continuously recreated, evolving. It is a great joy to be part of God’s new creation.
My nephew’s story had a happy ending. As for me, I cannot say that my story has the ending yet. It has more beginning than the end. I still grieve my missed opportunities. I still cry for the things I have let go. I still wish that I could go back to the way things were. I wish I could go back and mend the pains I have caused to many lonely cats that came to me. I wish to go back to those who have embraced this lonely cat in me with love. And it is ok to cry and cry and cry. To think things over and contemplate. The most important thing is:
I trust in the leadership of Jesus. He will get me out of this exile.
For now, I am happy where I am.
And I will always be happy in Jesus wherever I may be.