I was probably not always like this. Mom said that I was the cutest baby, and that I was loved by everyone. You were loved by every one, your dad adored you, baby girl. Mom told me once when I asked her about my early years beyond the power of my memories. Before the memories of my dad coming home drunk every night filled my brain, before the intense tension and anxiety in the house started running through my nerves full-time, and before all my days were ending in tears every single night, was I a happy, giggly child? I wanted to know. Because I could not remember.
Depression is a mysterious thing. You can always predict and control it to some degree, but when it crosses the line, the transition happens in a nano second. Especially during the rapid cycling stage, you are up and down like a balloon losing its air very fast flying about the room without control.
It appeared to me for a long time that everyone else’s life was like this:
When mine was like this:
I think I was walking mindlessly on the street to get some fresh air. I was probably feeling what I always determinedly call the “suffocation of my soul” when it’s actually just a biological reaction to my depressed mind. To seek relief, I went outside for a walk. Then a sudden realization hit me right there on the quiet street. I came to see that it was through my dark childhood and adolescent years that I was able to gain strength to overcome the intense depression that was to attack me throughout my entire 20’s and early 30’s.
I wasn’t always like this. But life happens, and diseases happens. Not just to me, but to every one. It’s not so much about whether you will have an illness or not. It’s not your choice. At some point in your life, you will get sick. No one gets out of this world alive-unless the second coming of Jesus happens in your life time- and death will knock on your door any minute.
On May 23rd, I took this picture with my iphone at the playground nearby the apartment that I live in. I was descending into the abyss of mental pain very quickly, until I was instantly delivered from the darkness at the prayer group meeting(May 25th) by the grace of the Holy Spirit.
This was the playground I spent many winters crying every morning. I would come back from Hawaii to stay with my sister during my depressive episodes, usually during the winter seasons, and all I ever did was walking to this playground alone in the early mornings and cry my heart out. I did that every day until it was time to go back to my then-home, Hawaii.
That morning was the same kind of depressive morning I knew about so well. I was crying, because, there the pain was in my head again, descending into my heart. I was crying, because it was all too familiar. After years of recovery, I was still crying in the same spot, for the same reason.
When I lifted my face covered in tears, I saw the rainbow that had appeared while I had my head down low. The same promise God has made to Noah was being remade, and I knew God was reminding me of his promise to restore, rebuild, and renew.
Two days later, He would lead me to a prayer group where I was delivered instantly from the darkness. It was on May 25th, the feast of Mother of Mercy.
Prayer really works, especially the group prayers. Add Our Lady’s promises for praying the Rosary, and you’ve got the invincible healing power working for you.
Angels, and archangels, and saints are real.
Virgin Mary, Mother of God is real.
Jesus Christ is real.
God is real.
Put your trust in divine providence.
Witness the divine power of heaven working for you.
Be transformed by the mighty leadership of Christ.
Daily miracle is not far from you.