The Hardest Thing

Have no fear and dive in!
Have no fear! Just dive in!

One of the hardest thing for me is not to say what’s on my mind. Usually the words come out of my mouth as soon as they are formed in my brain, and before I know it, I am hearing myself talking things that I shouldn’t be talking or things listeners might find very inappropriate.

One example is when I told my regular customer about my aunt dying from cancer. My customer was on her way to take her dad to the doctor for a regular check up, which reminded me of my aunt who recently went back to Seoul from Seattle to get her check-up. It was to be a one-way journey. They found out that she was in her very late stage of cancer.

My point was: It’s so important to get a routine check-up, especially as you get older. It’s nice that she was taking her dad to the doctor.

But I wondered if my story was too depressing for her. I mean, her dad was nearing 90 years old. I think she got her own worries about the health of her dad.

That’s just one example. Other times, I would not just talk about my thoughts, but I would act on it. I would skip the whole planning stage, and go right into action like I did a couple of weeks ago when I woke up feeling like teaching yoga. “I am going to teach yoga!” I yelled that morning, and surprised my parents and my sister by creating my yoga instructor resume in a snap. I drove to the gym near by and sought out the contact information from the group exercise coordinator. I came back home and emailed my resume and class outline. I was so hopeful until she simply ignored my manic suggestion of 5 o’clock in the morning yoga class that I named “A silent journey back to your center”.

So what did I do? I created a yoga class in my own gallery. A free class as a promotion and as a way to release my sudden enthusiasm to teach yoga. I don’t think I was this sure about teaching yoga even when I got my certification in Hawaii more than 3 years ago. I was spending over $3000 to sign myself up for a teacher’s training, but even then, I wasn’t this excited about the idea of being a yoga teacher. So what happened for the past couple of weeks? Am I bored and just need something to feel passionate about? Why do I suddenly want to teach yoga?

On my first yoga session, one student came. She’s the wife of the photographer whose works are on display at my gallery. We did a short 30 minute yoga session and then chatted away the rest of the class. “I will move the hair appointment back, and come back next Saturday!”, she said, and I don’t think she realized how much courage, how much strength, and how much hope she has given me when she said those simple words. I had no time to be discouraged about having such a low number of feedback to my free yoga offer. After all, that was what I wanted and precisely why I did not advertise. I was too nervous to have more people than I can take on.

But slowly, I am working through the fears I had harbored inside for a long time. The stage fear, the fear of the unknown, the fear of being ridiculed, and the fear of being judged. I think, deep inside, I’ve alway wanted to teach yoga, but I let the fear get the best of me. I think it’s time to get out of my shell.

It’s hard to face the fear, but sometimes, it’s even harder not to face the fear and do what the heart tells you to do.

I moved to Hawaii for that reason.

I quit my full-time time managing job and moved back because of that reason.

That’s why I started the gallery.

And that’s why I started teaching yoga out of blue.

Something was calling me, and I had to answer.

Every time I answered that call in faith, I later found out that it was the best thing I ever did. Some things are still unfolding and I may never know why my heart told me to do certain things that I did.

The most important thing is:

I could not have lived with myself had I continued to ignore the strong call I felt in my heart.

That’s how I know that I have already won this fight whether I fail or not.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. I love this! From a fellow compulsive talker and impulsive act-er…

    1. lilyboat says:

      So glad to meet my kindred! 😉

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