The face of bipolar disorder is black and white. It is double faced. You either live or die(by suicide) . You either feast or starve. Up to 50% of the bipolar population attempts suicide. In 2006, 33,300 people died by suicide in the U.S and 90% of the them were suffering from mental illness*.
A day with bipolar disorder is like morning turning into night while entirely skipping the afternoon hours. Your mood shifts like you flip a page, one side white, the other pitch black. It happens in an instant. It could be triggered by malnutrition, sleep loss, fatigue, or emotional overdrive. Sometimes the trigger could be a simple thing as rain, sudden drop of temperature, or air pressure. And if you are a highly sensitive person living with bipolar disorder, especially sensitive and receptive to the energies, sounds, lights, and any forms of stimuli that are surrounding you, be aware. Your life is going to be a whole lot more dangerous than you can ever imagine.
Noise canceling headphone is my best friend. I invest heavily on this product, as it literally is my lifesaver. I need a lifelong subscription of Pandora to fix my radio station on Heavenly Lullaby at all times.
Dark colored, comfy and light blanket is a must, as it becomes my place of refuge away from the highly stimulated situations. It blocks the sounds, energies, and lights coming from without. Sometimes, I have no choice but to withdraw and go within. I have less panic attacks that way.
But you are not living in The Trueman Show. Life is not staged, and it is not a movie. Even if you do your best to stick to your best script and scenario, something unexpected will happen and events will play out whether fortunate or unfortunate. I can’t wear my noise canceling headphone while I work. I won’t be able to hear any orders my customers place. I can’t carry my blanket around like Linus does with his security blanket against any uninvited, and unwelcome energies and emotions. Out there, I am exposed on the most basic level of human nature. My heart and soul are walking around stripped naked. Not in the Garden of Eden, but in the world of darkness.
Sensations are deceptive, and feelings are overrated. If you are a HSP(Highly Sensitive Person), you must remember those things constantly. Everything is amplified in your physical body. Your raw neurons will sing out their high wavelengths all over your nervous system. The waves will be so high that your body won’t be able to withstand. So how to deal with this dilemma? Do you just stay inside your house and never get out?
Some mornings, I wake up and my first awakening thought is why I am not in a monastery. Or a quiet rehab center. Maybe even a solitary jail might be a safe haven for a person like me, but that is just an extreme thought. At least for the next few hours, life is at peace. The world is asleep and the streets are quiet, providing me the perfect hour of praying and running to prepare myself for the sensual and mental war I face ahead. The war begins all over again. Every morning, it’s a brand new war of Love.
I pray to Jesus to empty out all my excessive emotions and feelings. He takes away my heavy load and renews my spirit. The jar will be filled very quickly, but for now, I just try to prepare myself to receive. The more dedicated I am to my praying life, the more I can receive from the world. The more I receive from the world, the more I am replacing it with Love and Peace. And as Jesus has told the servants to fill the jar with water, I fill my jar throughout the day with my tears. knowing that at the end of the day, He will transform the water into wine.
So with that promised wine in my hand, I cheer to my day even before it begins.
Here’s to another day to pour out more love with my raw senses and all.
“When it hurts so much to love, that is when you can love the best.”
If you know this truth, how can you say that this is a dilemma? This is no dilemma.
This is a blessing.