When Loneliness Is Replaced with Longing

  Sometimes in life, loneliness is replaced with longing very quickly. One hundred years of solitude turns into timeless eternity of longing. I am not sugarcoating the emotion of longing. It could be just as painful as loneliness. Especially if the longing comes with no promise of being fulfilled. If you think about it, loneliness…

A Girl with a Smile

When I got out of 5 pm Mass on Saturday evening, the evening sky was still as hot and intense as the day. Usually the intense brightness of the afternoon would magnify my gloom, especially so, when I am just getting out of a family friendly Saturday Mass full of families with small children and…

A Promise to God

– – – I walked down to the statue of St. Michael holding a baby*. Feeling emotionally exhausted after an hour of pure crying, the setting sunlight that never fails to trigger the familiar depressive emotions had no effect on me. Something inside the chapel extinguished the fires of emotions burning inside my heart. After…

A Night That Made a Difference

  Five artists gathered to celebrate the successful reception we just had last Sunday. I handed out the checks for the sales they made. Everyone sold something, but it wasn’t the money they made that made the different. It was this, us getting together, and having a dinner together. We talked for over 3 hours,…

It Was You, Jesus

  Jesus, when you have healed me, you have touched me with your bloody hands and washed me clean of my sins. You have given peace to my unforgiving heart. You saw me when I was grieving and suffering, and you never left me abandoned. It was You who were my healer. It was You…

Into the Night

* * *  “Here’s my new boyfriend! Just kidding! 🙂 ” I send my El Salvadoran friend a snap shot of me and one of the artist’s young son, Raf, who is adopted from El Salvador. Raf was wearing a cap that says El Salvador with its national flag symbol printed on the front. I…

From Here Until My Last Word

Sometimes when I come to lilyboat.me, I wish I were entering to a physical place. A real place where I can actually turn the doorknob and step inside. I imagine all kinds of things that I might find in there. Colorful layers of curtains will be hanging over the windows. There will be artworks that…

I Am Something Wonderful

  She’s a sweet lady. But her high expectation and excitement about the exhibit coming up is more than I can take on. N was supposed to come over to drop her framed watercolor paintings, and so I dragged myself out to get to the gallery by 1 pm. I wanted to take mom as…

On Compunction

In the language of medieval asceticism, the clear-sighted recognition and mature acceptance of our own limitation is called “compunction.” Compunction is a special grace, an insight into our own depths which, in one glance, sees through our illusions about ourselves, sweeps aside our self-deceptions and daydreams, and show us ourselves exactly as we are. But…

To Let the Story in

I took my road bike out for a ride today. It was my first ride in almost a year. My last ride was reduced to a few mile ride to and back from the horse farm nearby. I was heading fast into my depressive episode, and as it always happened during my depression, I finally…