She’s a sweet lady. But her high expectation and excitement about the exhibit coming up is more than I can take on. N was supposed to come over to drop her framed watercolor paintings, and so I dragged myself out to get to the gallery by 1 pm. I wanted to take mom as my support as it has been a great struggle to do anything on my own lately, but she had to stay home to watch my sister’s children. This kills me, the way I am now. I miss me, the way I was; so full of life, laughter, and joy with no care in the world. I was as light as a feather. I miss that person.
When I got to the gallery, I ran into an old gentle man who looked a little lost. He walked over to me saying, “Excuse me” very sweetly, and I stopped to listen. He had a story to tell.
His wife drove him from a nearby school, because he got lost on his way to the dentist appointment. Of course he would get lost, because everyone would get lost here in Boyds. It’s so country. It’s a miracle that there is a dentist office in this town. What’s worse, he was running so low on gas that he had to leave his car at the school. His wife had meetings until 2:30 pm.
“Oh, so you need a ride? I can give you a ride!”
I said, after quickly figuring out his situation. I don’t like being in a limbo, and I don’t like waiting, and 2:30 pm was still almost 2 hours away. I figured, he probably doesn’t like waiting, either.
After the meeting, I drove the sweet old man to the school where his car was parked. Then he followed me to the gas station where he can get gas. We both rolled down our windows as I was driving past the gas station, and him into the station. We waved our hands and said goodbye smiling at each other. I can see him motioning ‘thank you’ with his mouth, and I could say nothing but smile back. I was the one that was thankful. He saved my day.
It was a slow drive in the rain all the way back home. When you are in the chamber of depression, life suddenly slows down and the rain starts pouring nonstop. It’s a long, slow drive in the pouring rain under the thick, suffocating grey sky. One day feels like a million light years long, and no matter what you try to do to make yourself feel better nothing is mighty enough to lift up your spirit. You won’t find it elsewhere. The power lies only in God. It’s in the prayer, it’s in the faith, it’s in the place where your soul meets God face to face. You have to go to that place to find the ultimate cure.
On the long drive in the rain that resembled depression, I recollected pieces of my afternoon’s event. It was a refreshing encounter with the sweetest old man. He moved from Ecuador to New York by himself when he was only 17 years old. And here we were more than 50 years later. He was in my car. I gave him a ride to his car. Then he followed me to a nearby gas station. We rolled down our windows and said our goodbyes. An hour ago, we did not know each other existed. But now, I know a man from Ecuador, a place I have never been.
By the time I got to my house, I was well on my way to piece my broken life together. It might take another 50 years to put my life back together. It has only been 5 years since my full blown mania. I have been rushing again.
While I am letting go of the idea of something wonderful happening when I am 32 years old(a very illogical make-belief I have created in my early teen years), it doesn’t leave my mind like a bad-old habit. I still believe somewhere in my heart that even though the end of my age 32 is coming to an end very quickly(only 3 days left), a lot can happen during those three days. I know one event that happened in three days and it changed the history of the humanity. Jesus rose on the third day from his death.
I did not know anything about the sweet old soul from Ecuador but before we knew, we were both standing at our crossroads and our paths were crossed. We met. We helped each other. We parted in peace and gratitude. And wasn’t that a wonderful thing? Wasn’t that a miracle for the day?
Something wonderful has been happening all my life. Every day was a story of survival, and a step closer to my final journey to heaven. It wasn’t just when I turned 32 years old. It was from the moment I was conceived in my mother’s womb by the fearful design of God. And the very first moment He created me was the beginning and the ending of something very wonderful that would ever happen to my little soul.
My fate was sealed on that day of creation.
God saw that it was good. I can feel that He is still seeing me through, now and till the end.
And so, I, too, know that it is good.
What if my brain is afflicted by mental illness?
And what if my body is afflicted by my brain chemicals, and my heart suffers beyond my tolerance?
I am more than my body. I am more than my brain. I am more than my mind.
I am my soul.
And all is well in my soul.
I am well.
I am more than well. I am good.