Hide, the lead guitarist from X Japan was only 33 years old when he was found dead hanged by a towel tied to a doorknob in his apartment in Tokyo. It was in 1998, the year after they disbanded X Japan to focus on solo projects. Once the Authorities officially announced Hide’s death a suicide, three teenage fans’ suicides followed right after. There were almost 60 people hospitalized among 50,000 people who attended his funeral, and 200 received medical treatments in first aid tents. It was a shocking event for Japan, and for neighboring asian countries including my own, South Korea, because X Japan was a big thing back then. All the girls were in love with the members, and the news of Hide taking his own life shattered the sensitive minds of the teenage girls.
Suicide is always on my mind, although now for a different reason. I was once so close to it, always living under the shadow of death. I know many souls are being lost by suicide even as I am typing this. And I feel helpless. I have no way to rescue them from the darkest moment of their lives other than the method of prayer.
* * *
The huge crucifixion cross is hovering over us as always, but on this particular Sunday, it was like no other.
After the communion, I kelt with my hands together in prayer, and my gaze fixed on the cross. Christ the Lord was hanging on the cross, but all I could feel was the mighty power that raised up Jesus from death radiating from the cross. If God had the power to raise up Jesus from death, then preserving my life from perishing is nothing to Him. That same power that raised up the Lord is still very active, and it is the ever-present current that governs the flow of life.
On this day, I was not alone at the Mass as I usually was. M accompanied me that morning to my parish instead of his. We were at the mass together, sitting next to each other. We’ve gone on several memorable dates so far, but this one was by far the best as far as I know. As I was meditating on the Cross and the resurrection of Jesus, my whole life was replaying in my head. And I was,
So glad that I endured.
So glad that I survived.
So glad that I never stopped hoping.
For I am finally out of the darkness.
Here, in the bright church, I was sitting next to a very special person that I was quickly falling in love with,
and I felt as if life was about to resume all over again.
This was the way life should have been all along.
This was the way God has design Life to be.
But I had so many attacks and so much resistance to work through. I was going against the current of death presiding all around me, and I was always, always so tired of fighting.
My world was full of rain, under the thick rain clouds. I was always in the endless rain without any chance to dry myself.
It was a cold, wet journey.
But here I am now.
By the power that raised up Jesus, by that same power that baptized the saints, and converted the sinners, I have survived, and here I am now.
* * *
It’s so easy to ask, “Why was I saved? Why me? When so many have perished, and been lost, why am I still here now?”
It’s hard to make sense of it all.
Death happens just as life happens. I guess we need to accept life and death as they come no matter how hard they are to accept. Sometimes life is harder to accept than death. And I think that’s why some people commit suicides. They measure life and death, like they are some values you can analyze and compare. But that’s not true. There is only one way, and that one path is life. There is no death in the lives of the believers and followers of Christ.
There is no sense in making sense of life and death. All you need to do is to decide to live this life given to you. Life is a blessing, and a rare opportunity. It’s something that comes once and for all, and what you decide here on earth while you are still in the human form determines the fate for your eternity. Will you live in the eternal goodness of God, or will you live in the eternal evil state of Satan? You can accept the gift or reject. It’s all up to you.
And I think there lies the key to my survival. I know many have prayed for me during my struggles. Throughout the battle for life of my soul, many have prayed and interceded for me. And most of all, my soul prayed, too. My soul wanted to accept despite the rebellion of my mind and logic. I was brought down to the place where I had nothing else to rely on other than surrendering to the good will of the heavenly Father through His Son Jesus Christ. On the day I finally accepted the Truth and the Mystery of salvation, my soul was at peace immediately. I have found my home. I was finally able to to bury my suicidal mind for good.
And so, I pray for that magical moment where life conquers death to happen to every wondering soul who contemplates the option of suicide. How I wish I can assure them that suicide is never an option. Never giving up on life is the option. You should never, ever give up on life.
You just might be at the end of the dark tunnel.
When it seems the darkest, that is the very moment before the light comes.
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.
Trust me on this one.