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The life of a modern woman looks like this: Between the two jobs-my morning job as a barista and my afternoon job as a business owner- I have to be extremely creative to fit in a family time. So I tag along with my sister on her way to drop her daughter off at the school after I have already carved out a big chunk of time to drive mom to her work after our morning chat while I am still strategizing the best time frame to see my dad at certain point this week. On top of that I am trying to maintain the new love interest that I have formed with a man who works in a different state.
And today I have a very important agenda on top of my list to be accomplished. I have to go to my Thursday Eucharist Adoration. My sister drops me off at the chapel on her way to my niece’s kindergarden. It will work perfectly for both of us, because the church happens to be on the way to the school, and my sister skipped her prayer meeting at her baptist church because of our hectic morning schedule. I get to share my beloved Thursday Eucharistic Adoration with my sister.
But I didn’t know what my true mission was until I went into the sacred chapel. Every thursday I come here to realign myself to the Will of God. What is His will for me? And what is that one vocation that He has called me to? Here I sit again, ever so restless, and so eager to answer His call. To say that life-changing word of YES to Him for eternity. Does he not feel my desperation for His loud calling of my name?
So, in the middle of my deep prayers, I got up silently, and walked to the book of prayer. I usually write in that book on my way out of the chapel, but my desperation was so strong that I could not sit still. I know the Lord hears my prayers coming directly from my heart. I know that. But I believe in the power of intersession, and somehow, when I write it humbly in the book of prayer, I feel my prayers are more official. It feels like I am writing a very private letter to the Lord. I sign it, seal it. And I know it will be delivered.
Until I wrote down the prayer for my writing career, I did not realize that I have never prayed for it before. Maybe I was daydreaming again about the romance of a writing life, some unrealistic fantasy I hold in my mind forever. Maybe I was just tired of holding two jobs, starting my day at 5 in the morning until I end it at 10 at night, all the while battling against my mental agony from feeling so much fear, uncertainty and anxiety about my future. Without the gift of faith and consolation of Jesus, I know I have nothing of my own that can help me sustain to finish the battle I face daily in this “modern world”. Maybe I was just wishing for a permanent escape in the form of a romantic writing life. With the pen in my hand and equipped with lots of blank papers, I just want to let my mind gush forth peaceful, and loving, yet powerful words to ease the weary minds. And that is my dream, my big, big dream. And dreaming is all I can do.
Maybe God answered my prayer when he didn’t allow any students to come to my Thursday evening yoga class. I was sitting alone in a cold, empty studio while the rain was still pouring outside. I came up to my room to let my mind speak. I started typing.
Maybe God answered even more when my landlord brought two ladies to show them this yellow house that I am renting for my business. I know I was at her disposal any moment. I told Kathy that I will be ok to move out once she finds someone to move into my place. I’ve always felt sorry for paying such low rent to my landlord. But that was all I could offer, and she miraculously accepted.
I don’t know what my tomorrow will bring. I either need to move out of my studio, or I will let go of my business.
But for now, I accomplished everything I planned to be done on this yet another busy, uncertain, and fast-paced modern world. And one day at a time is all I can do. I can only offer up a prayer for help from above and then I continue to cruise on.
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I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,
With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;
Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling;
One Lord, one faith, one baptism,
One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.
2 Comments Add yours
There is no doubt in my mind that you are called to be a writer.
Busy’ness’ is something that really distracts our thinking process… I am of course not busy now in my life but I so remember…. feeling like I just needed to slow down to get my thoughts … Your dream of writing can and will be a reality I believe if the desire to do so is as strong as it seems to be …Isn’t it said that when we do have a strong leading to do something that it is usually an indication that it is what we need to pursue.. (not sure if that made sense or not)… Diane