Why is it so hard to stay still?

Two weeks of no work have suddenly befallen upon me and on my day three, I am already anxious about paying my bills, paying for food, and paying for the TESOL certification course I have already decided to enroll. We only have five kids at the preschool for the next two weeks as several kids have gone on their vacation. Trying to cut the labor cost, my boss told me to come only on Saturdays for the next two weeks to teach two classes. Ok, I answered, helplessly, because, what else can I do other than obeying?

So now I am suddenly focused on keeping the house in order. Dirty dishes never pile up and the sink is spotless. The carpeted floors have been vacuumed in the entire apartment. My constant search for a new job is on again, because, it turns out, my preschool teaching job is really unstable. Yoga jobs, English or Korean teaching jobs, or any entry level jobs that might work for me. I submit my resume to a Korean Christian broadcasting station for their writing staff position. I already started another blog site where I can teach English during my free time. After that, I stay on the computer looking for a promising degree for my master’s. One day, I think I should go for a Christian ministry degree. Especially, the Christian counseling course really appeals to me. I try to envision myself as a counselor helping those confused and lost in their direction. Then the next day, I feel like I should stay in the education field, especially, English. And today, I surprised myself by looking at some physical therapy schools. That’s when I realized, that I need to put a stop to my incoherent thought patterns, and my constant search without any set direction. And so, I made some hot lemon tea to calm me down. I came to Lilyboat to go back to my center.

The moment I typed in lilyboat.me and hit enter, a bible verse came to my mind. “Be still and know that I am God!(Ps 46:10)” It was as if God was directly telling me that these next two weeks of down time was designed by Him so that I may be still and know that He is God, all over again. After all, it’s not like I have lost my part-time job. It’s still there, though unstable it may be, I know that I will be back in the class room with the eager preschoolers two weeks later. Then I’ll be fighting against yet another kind of anxiety: My fear of failing my boss’s expectation.

Peace… I breathe out that one word. But it’s not enough. Not for me. And that has been my problem. I always want more. I want love, happiness, hope, joy, and all the good things that we humans are entitled to enjoy while we are here on earth. But I’ve gotten so used to being in a constant state of anxiety and fear that when God does grant me peace, love, and happiness, I just don’t know what to do with those. I don’t know how to grab and hold on. I don’t know how to keep the momentum going. Peace seems like a very strange sensation. It’s another name for boredom. Love seems a very brief thing. It’s always up and down, worse than my mood swings. Clearly, I don’t know how to handle the good gifts God is giving me these days. I don’t know how to accept the good things when I have mastered at accepting the sufferings, agonies and trials. I have become so good at accepting the bad side of life that I have gotten to the point where I was going after the tragedies and hardships.

Don’t you see? God is trying to give you peace. It’s a gift from Him. Be still and accept! Look, happiness and love are all right at your door knocking and knocking. Stop ignoring. Stop rejecting. They are already here for you. Hold onto them while they are here. Before you lose the opportunity, open the door and accept the gifts. Be still and know that it is He who is bestowing the goodness onto you. You are on the path of blessing, a shower of blessing is right on your door step. Step out, and enter into His mercy and kindness. His Love is ever-lasting, and unchanging, unlike your mood swings. Step into that unconditional Love and all will be well.

Be still. Today. Tomorrow. And all the days of your remaining life. 

This morning, I am my own Christian counselor, though I hold no degree of that kind. I am no expert, but somehow, I successfully reach the turning point. Peace. Be still. Know that He is God. Those simple three things will guide my way for the next two weeks. After that, maybe, things will clear up and I will find my next stepping stone.