To the Sugarland

With a big question that has been weighing me down, I ran to the end of the street I live on. I stood at the crossroads, looked up to the sky with my tear-filled eyes as if asking God “Which way should I go from here? Where do I go?” My fearful heart desperately seeks His direction, but it’s not as easy as getting an answer to the question of the location of the restroom.

I am standing on the edge, holding this overwhelming emotion that is on the verge of its full eruption. I suppress, trying my best to keep my cool, I do my yoga, my healing walk, my daily rosary prayer, I even received the healing prayer after the last Mass I attended. But still, the heaviness of my heart and turbulent emotions are growing and growing and I sense this monster inside me just waiting to catch me off guard. And the moment came this morning. My level of tolerance finally reached zero. I had to escape my environment gasping for air before the suffocation could devour me entirely.

With my tears freely flowing, I ran and ran, down the solitary country road. At the end of my street, I stopped because my chest was about to burst. The physical pain of burning chest and stomach crams were bitter sweet. When I am caught in the emotional and mental pain, physical pain rather offers a haven. It opens up a channel for me to diffuse my invisible pain that is hard to tolerate.

I looked up at the blurry sky. No, the sky was perfect. It was clear blue, with white clouds peacefully dotting the wide open blue canvas. It just looked blurry, only to me, because my own eyes were filled with water. On any other day, I would have felt like flying like a free bird with uncontainable joy pushing me up and up and up through that clear blue sky.  But today, I am in the darkness, carrying the weight of the world. And even though I am equipped with my own prayers and with the prayers of those that love me, I feel so sad and fearful and burdened. Yes, there, I said it. So highly sad, sadly low, extremely burdened. So devastated for no logical reason.

IMG_6597When I looked up at the sky at the crossroads, the signs were there. Sugarland Road, Sugarland Lane. Which ever way you go, it’s still Sugarland. I heard it coming from the back of my mind, in my own voice. Was this all the wisdom I could conjure up at that moment? Sugarland Road, Sugarland Lane, whichever way you go, it’s still Sugarland? Perhaps. But that little statement powerfully put my tortured soul to rest and I calmly gazed at the cross that the street sign and a wooden pole conjured up. Standing still, still gazing at the cross and the signs, I contemplated for a while on the power of Jesus’ Cross and His resurrection. No matter how grave my decisions make me feel, I cannot escape from the love of Christ and His divine power to raise me up from the grave. The decisions are not mine to make. And the decisions do not have to be made today, at this moment. God will lead, God will resolve, and God will heal. And however my life on earth unfolds, it shall always glorify God because of His unending forgiveness and mercy.

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