Was it a vision? Or my imagination? I still try to find an explanation for that night. It was sometime between 2 and 5 AM when my sleeping daughter kicked her cute chubby leg up into the air only to have it land on my belly. At that moment, I was awakened instantly and had a sudden image of a dark entity stabbing my heart in a quick motion. I was wide awake as this quick event was happening in my mind or in the spiritual realm. What was going on?
I was living on the edge for the past week. Nothing I tried helped to shake off my depressed mood. And for the very first time since I got off my anti-depressant almost 10 years ago, I wished for that one tiny pill to get me off the cliff I was barely managing to stand upon. All it was going to take to make my quick fall possible was a small push of one finger or an innocent kick of a toddler in her sleep. With the rude awakening, I had a sudden rush of rage. The self-destructive urge I I had fought so hard to put to sleep last night was back in no time. I got up, knelt and prayed. It was more like me kneeling in the corner of the dark room letting my tears roll onto the floor.
The morning came and I didn’t feel any better. Ironically, I hurt my back when I was lifting up my toddler, and the shock of the sudden pain traveled through my spine in the speed of light. Then I felt the muscle around my heart contracting as if to squeeze my heart valves out and I thought I was having a heart attack. Minutes later, the muscle slowly came back to normal and I did mild yoga stretches to relieve the discomfort and pain. It was as if my body was trying to tell me that my body was under siege, under attack. Something was stabbing my heart and I didn’t know what it was. Or what was causing it to commit such brutal activity.
I scrrambled up the very little positive energy I have left to spend on my ever-so-joyful toddler. After putting her to sleep early, I finally had time to myself. I tried my best to talk to me and to listen to me. To hear what my body had to tell me. Instead, I only heard wimps and whines that came unmistakably from the deep place of my heart. ‘I don’t think I can endure another day like this. It’s too painful. I can’t bear this any longer. But let’s just get through today. Just today. Don’t think about tomorrow. Just focus on today and today is almost done.’ I continued to babble like a manic, and ended my wimp with ‘God help me’.
Sure enough, I woke up feeling lighter. You can just tell when you open your eyes from the slumber. The gloom just goes away overnight. I still get these periods of depressive moods and no matter how many times I have conquered this battle against my inner demon, it is like all new battle every time I repeat. But I do know now that it comes to an end eventually. I do know that the ending is imminent when bearing the pain gets the hardest, almost impossible. And that gives me so much hope during the times of intense pain.
Today, I am simply grateful for the joy restored in my heart. As if to congratulate my restored mood, the sky cleared after the remnants of hurricane Florence has passed through my area completely and I saw the sunlight for the first time in a week. I was so deeply immersed in my own pain invisible yet so very real that I honestly have not been able to say much prayer for those who are affected by this deadly storm. As they begin their restoration process that will last a long time, I too, shift my gaze to restore my mind and body battered by yet another mental hurricane. And I shall continue to pray for the survival of our human souls until the new dawn is upon us with the second coming of Jesus. Today, I say my deep prayers for the victims and the families of the victims of the recent hurricane. May we all survive our own storms in each of our lives.