The memories of my past one month is vague. I remember them by the emotions that circulated through my body each week as my mind continued to be baffled by the sequence of events happening each day and each week as my new life in my new place unfolded.
Few things were happening at all once. My child suddenly adjusting to her all-day program and resisting school. Me suddenly searching for a full-time job after being a stay-at-home mom for the past 4 years. Every morning was met by my crying child overwhelmed by the idea of spending another long day away from mom and being forced to take a brain-rest/nap routine for two-long hours. This was a big change for her. Then I had myself to deal with. Series of discouragement of having no job offers followed despite the numerous applications I’ve sent out. A few interviews I did failed to land me to any jobs. After four weeks of living with resistance from my part and my child’s, discouragement and confusion from my job search landed me to question: Does God really have to go THIS far? I really wasn’t ready to detach from my baby girl. Not yet. Perhaps never. My separation anxiety was screaming. Does God really have to go THIS far?!
Perhaps I was having a moment of weakness. It is true that my PMS that almost mimics depressive episode fell on this particular week when I possibly couldn’t go any lower. So when the Holy Spirit led me to read the story of Lazarus of Bethany, God was raising me from my death brought on by the lack of faith in God.
We read in the Scriptures where we feel that God went way too far. Did God really have to ask Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son Isaac? What about the order God gave Joshua to bring down the wall of Jerico (Joshua 6:2-5)? The things God put Ezekiel through seem too strange at times. Ezekiel was prohibited from mourning the death of his wife. Ezekiel was told to lie on his left side for 390 days and on his right side for 40 days.
The Scripture clearly tells us that Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, the three siblings. They shared such intimacy with Jesus. Imagine the sorrow and grief Martha and Mary must have felt over the death of Lazarus. They believed that if only Jesus had been there with them at the sight, Lazarus wouldn’t have died. To their grief-stricken mind, Jesus was four days late. Too late.
“Have you come, like Martha, to a crossroads of overwhelming circumstances where your theology is about to become a very personal belief?”
– My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers
So here I stand at the crossroads as my theology is becoming a very personal belief.
I believe that I will see God’s glory if I believe (John 11:40).
When Jesus calls me to “roll the stone aside (John 11:39)”–
I will run immediately and follow his order.