Little Beginnings

I try to read but I only turn pages. A drifting mind cannot land and my heart wonders. My fingers are busy searching, desperately searching for a new song that will hold my mind a captive of its rhythm. Hoping for something– anything that could pull back my wondering soul.

Where is it flying to now? What experience is she after? Did she simply take off because I bore her? Did we grow apart again? Her departure makes me question if the life I am leading now is not enough.

How sudden this shift happens. Just a few days ago, my life was at a perfect still point, everything in perfect balance. I woke up, read my Bible, listened to the music or to the sounds of the morning bird songs, I made my visits to the gardens and parks, I met heartwarming friends, I ate little, and I slept enough. Occasionally, I sat here on my tiny balcony typing my words like a pianist playing her favorite tunes. It gave me so much joy to do so. I was in the flow again. But then.

It’s the smallest things that makes you tick. You trip and tip over to the downfall by the smallest details. Your equilibrium breaks unexpectedly, without any obvious triggers. The balance is off and it is time to make adjustments again. Change of diet, another exercise regimen, extra dose of sleep, the possibility goes on and on. You have neglected your body and your body is trying to tell you something. Listen.

After two panic attacks in a row swept through my body, my limb body was helplessly lying on the floor. A complete calm replaced the chaos, like the body of a cyclist that completed a century ride. I need to eat, was my first thought. Ironically, my panic attacks occurred in the kitchen and I was lying in front of the refrigerator.

Previously, when recurring panic attacks frequented my body, I questioned my life.

I wondered if my soul has departed.

Like an empty shell containing no resident, left to dry and wither away on the hot shore of the sea, drifted away from its source.

I wondered if I needed to drop everything that was familiar and start anew. Change of career, change of place, change of social circles, change of the life as you know it. The possibility went on and on. You can’t change your body but you can change your life. I had no doubt about that. When life called for a simple change, I strove for a big, major shift. My mind was a boom box, a megaphone that magnified every input. Even the tiniest noise. That was me in my twenties at the height of my bipolar disorder.

Today, I have a new plan. A plan that makes my heart tick with excitement again. Instead of initiating a desperate search for a new life, I lightly jot down my grocery list: Strawberries, blueberries, apples and bananas. I need to eat and I will eat the bountiful produce of the nature. Perhaps a trip to the pick-your-own peach farm would do well  both for my soul and my body.

Now my wondering mind is back. My fingers are busy tapping on the keyboard googling the best pick-your-own fruit farm around me. Your body follows where your mind goes. Now I can’t wait to get dressed for a local farm. I can almost feel the juicy peach my hand will be holding in just a few hours. You can change your body and your life will follow. Now I know that it’s not the grandest gesture that creates a major life shift. It’s a small, little thing. As small as a simple peach.

“And though you started with little, you will end with much.” 

– Job 8:7

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