Satisfaction

The Midwest cold front had come and gone and left us with a huge relief from the intolerable heat. It’s cold, even. I sat on my balcony wearing my sweater but the cold air was seeping through. This 30 degree drop of temperature overnight is abnormal. But I have to admit, it is a refreshing change of climate. It was overwhelmingly hot and all of my toddler activities had to come to a halt. We were reduced to our daily visits to the pool thanks to which our skin has much browned. You would think that my daughter and I enjoyed a long Caribbean cruise.

So now I don’t know what to do with this cool weather under the cloudy sky that is to last all day. A visit to the bookstore comes to my mind. I can picture myself holding a hot cup of coffee, reading some uplifting book I found in the Christian lifestyle aisle. Or how about a craft project sitting by the window as the cloudy, rainy day slowly unfolds? Or maybe I’ll cook up some hearty soup while my child happily plays in her warm bath? How about all of the above?

The truth is, I have time to do all of the things above and more. And it’s not like it will cost me a fortune to accomplish. I can even fit in a visit to an indoor swimming pool at my fitness center since the weather has cooled down so much. The abundance of my choices suddenly makes me feel like a queen. I am truly blessed beyond my imagination.

Satisfied.

That one word fills my mind. I read a bible verse from the book I borrowed at my church last Sunday.

‘”Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days”. -Psalm 90:14

That verse strangely captivated my mind and made me ponder its meaning since yesterday. To wake up with a sense of contentment and satisfaction each morning was a foreign concept to me. What does it feel like? Instead of waking up with some crazy jolt of out-worldly euphoria that had power to keep me up most of the night, or waking up feeling like I have just opened my eyes in the dark pit of a lion’s den, what would it feel like to wake up with a gentle smile on your lips? What does it feel like when you have no trace of fear for the day ahead and the thought of the day unfolding makes you get up and get going?

It feels like this. It feels like the way I have been feeling these last few months. Now in my final leg of healing (I hope!), I count the years that have passed since I last ditched my anti-depressant pill bottle and never looked back. It was 11 years ago. I often look back and count the years that I have been medication-free, because it’s such an accomplishment for me. It was a grueling journey. I don’t even remember how I survived the post anti-depressant era which was way harder than the previous era.

Satisfaction. The deep contentment of genuine happiness that is the result of God’s unfailing love. It fills my heart with joy and gladness and makes my heart sing for the glory of the Lord.

It’s in the deep understanding when I read today’s Scripture.

It’s in the hope and healing when I mummer my silent prayers.

It’s in the quiet joy that arise when I plan the day’s event for my toddler.

It’s in the small excitement I get in my search for the cabin for our family’s getaway weekend.

It’s in the warmth that wells up in my heart when I reminisce my life in Korea, Hawaii, and Tennessee, and the life I am living now here in my current place.

Despite the hardships that life threw my way, I can confidently say that I’ve loved them all, even when the simple act of love felt like a deadly battle. I’ve loved every single day of my life no matter how torturously hot or dangerously cold. 

I loved because God’s love is unfailing.

Once again, today, God satisfies my morning with his unfailing love. I can no longer suppress the joy I feel inside. I can’t help but be glad all day long no matter what the day may bring.

 

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