Something Just Like This

Snow started falling sometime during early Sunday even before the sunrise. I woke up to a winter wonderland. It’s been snowing ever since and it is Tuesday now. It’s like a long dream that I do not want to wake from. I always daydream of flying to Finland and visiting Rovaniemi for a long winter. This year, I am saving huge on my trip expanse. What a treat after a long year of life in seclusion.

Quite honestly, I have been a merry reclusive this winter. I am lucky to live in a region where I have four very distinct seasons. I am especially lucky because where I live, winter is ever so persistent. The spring and fall are so short and brief and after the short days of the glorious season of fall, winter hits overnight and it is here to stay. I have always loved winter. Naturally and hormonally, because I am born in the far East where winter is brutally cold. I grew up embracing and learning to adapt to the cruel cold wind coming from Siberia. Growing up on the west coast of South Korea had its merits. I have winter genes. I love winter. Winter is my element. The colder the happier I get. As my clinical depression deepened and prolonged, my brain developed a pattern of depressive episodes over the period of Spring, Summer and Fall, and then I would get my break during the winter as my mood drastically lifted with the arrival of a winter season. I cannot express the immense joy I would feel during the winter season. And by the same reason, I cannot express the devastating sadness I would feel during the entire seasons of spring, summer and fall. So you see why I love winter and I quite frankly do not understand anyone that complains about winter. Long story short, I am biased about winter. Even though I no longer experience the clinical depression, I still love winter for all the right reasons.

It’s so crisp. The freezing cold morning air shocks my lungs. it’s so vital. The air wakes my whole self, my brain, my nostrils, my throat, my heart, my lungs and all the way down to my toes. I am fully alive in the speed of light. If you ask me what my favorite thing in the world is- I would have told you that it is running before the sunrise in the deepest part of the winter. I would love it even more if it is a morning of a snow blizzard. But now, I do not have such luxury of r unning the first thing in the morning. I am a busy mom of a kindergartner. Now, my favorite thing in the world is to walk my drive way on a cold winter morning to get my morning newspaper delivery. I savor the fist deep inhale of the shockingly cold winter air. All my senses come alive and I am all the winter-selves that I ever was in my entire life. I am running in the cold, cold morning listening to Ava Adore the morning after my college entrance exam. I am back in my high school having a snow ball fight with my friends on the day of the first snow. I am walking to my job at 4:30 in the morning in the harsh snow condition and I am loving every drop of snowflakes. Now, I am flying back from Hawaii to spend the winter with my sister in Maryland. I am building a snowman with my toddler. I am pulling her on a sled down the slope. Now, I am sneaking out during her virtual PE class to go sledding all by myself to my heart’s content (This is a true event.. which happened today).

I sadly read from the that the snow will stop around 3. I know many are dreading this prolonging snow. But for me, this is a grace from heaven. I am so happy. I am in touch with my childhood self. The pure girl I was that was capable of laughing with joy at the mundane sight of a falling snow. I can feel that person whenever the snow is falling. And how vibrant life was back then.

Today, I whisper to God. I am wondering if it is snowing in heaven, too. And whichever corner of a heaven I end up, I hope there will some snowy days. Until then, I savor this special day when everything is at a standstill. The snow is melting and the fear is quickly rising. But I know that I will survive the long seasons of spring, summer and fall.

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