Blue Sky in my Head





I drove around running errands yesterday. After the sky poured out snow flurries, it revealed soft fluffy clouds still hanging up in the sky. After the heavy snow clouds have purged, what remained was pure lightness. I could almost feel the light brush strokes of the artist capturing the cleansed scene of the sky after the snow fall. I loved it so much, I had to stop several times along the way to take pictures.

Around here, we have a small winery, a fairly big and famous farm, a polo club, and an equestrian therapy center. This is part of the county’s agricultural preservation land program. That means that this view I see daily on the country roads will always remain the same, unless the county decides to develop this area. This quiet countryside is not a bad place to settle for someone who lived with a wondering mind her whole life. How could you even think about leaving when you have this timeless view every day? The truth is, I still could and I still do. I think about my next destination every day. My head is ever so busy wondering where I should embark next. I am well aware that my mind is suffering its annual spring fever. Some days the fever is so high I hallucinate.

Last night, I stayed up late reading my old manuscript. I wrote it almost 7 years ago while I was still in Hawaii. It narrates my descend into my last depressive episode I suffered in Hawaii and ends with me leaving the island to find myself back into the arms of my loving family on mainland. It’s an honest depiction of what depression really looks like on daily basis. Of course, I wasn’t able to find a publisher for this book I titled “To Those Who Walk in the Rain”. I mean, life itself is depressing already to many people. Who wants to read about a boringly depressing descend of a mind that belongs to a nameless person?

But still, I find myself going back to my old books from time to time. The memories of my Hawaii days spring back to life so vividly and it is hard to swallow the emotions that creep up from my readings. It reminds me of all my cold and wet walks I made during those dark weathers. I walked through the constant rain and freezing snow with only God as my guide. My mind was shedding so much heavy substance and it took many years of purging.

When I felt the lightness of those white clouds after the snow fall, I didn’t miss the same lightness that existed in my head as well. I was containing the whole blue sky in my head instead of the thick rain storms. And I cannot tell you how good it felt, how so very magically good it was to me.



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