The other day, I did a small activity suggested by my good friend, and a Stephen Ministry counselor, P. Make a list of 10 positives in your life, she suggested to me as my mind was overly focusing on the negatives of my current life.
I was entering my third week here in the new place, my child had been crying every single day because of her school refusal. My job interviews seemed futile and I was starting to wonder if I will ever find a descent job. The peak crisis came on the night when I lost my entire sleep agonizing whether I should take the offer as a kindergarten teacher or continue to wait around for the new job possibility as an aid to a psychiatrist. After a few days of praying, meditating, counseling with my trusted friends and family, I finally made a decision to pursue the uncertainty. With a heavy heart, I declined the job offer and went for the next boat– which still hasn’t arrived. The waiting is excruciating when you are full of self-doubt.
My list of 10 positives filled quickly. I had more to add but decided to keep it at 10 for now. Looking at the list, it was so obvious how many blessings God has given me through this move. That it was by God’s plan that I am here right now whether I like it or not became so clear. Analyzing every situation is my specialty and assessing the risks and benefits before I let the new condition to run its full course is my fault line. This causes me to become discouraged early on before the race even kicks off. Letting life come as it is and giving it time to adjust is hard for me. It’s hard because I always get overly attached to the present life making it difficult for me to accept the next adventure. I was homesick when I left my home country. Perhaps, I still am. I was homesick when I left Tennessee. I was homesick when I left Hawaii. And now, I am homesick because I truly felt at home in my country home back in Maryland. It was where I felt most grounded and whole of all the places that I’ve ever lived.
But look at that sunrise here! I sit at my dining table every morning waiting for the sunrise. Because of the height of my second floor townhouse, I can see the sun coming up over the thick trees earlier than those living in their single homes or ground floor apartments. When the sun is finally above the tree line and begins to heat the frozen ground, the warm morning natural light fills my entire dining room and I can barely open my eyes because of its brightness. I just close my eyes and feel the warmth on my skin. The light has a way to touch something deep in my heart, deep in my soul. It melts away the hard feelings. I call it my light therapy. I do this every morning as I read my daily scriptures. This is the number one on my Count Your Blessing List. I almost believe that God brought me here to place me on this dining table every morning. It’s a place full of healing and hope. I have so many others to count as my blessing- but for now, this one alone is enough to keep me going. I wonder where I will be in a month from now. I wonder what God will unfold in time. I positively anticipate what God will do with my life as I let go of every single human effort and completely rely on Jesus.
Praise the Lord for all the blessings.